How to Ruin Your Career Without Even Trying

Dr Jennifer Peck, University of Queensland, studying the difference between the conversational styles of men and women, said that differences can be seen as early as the age of three or four.

Boys are apparently socialised right from the start to try to get top-dog status. They learn to try and impose their ‘expert status’ on others even at this early age. They are constantly trying to get into a one-up position and put others into a one-down position. Girls on the other hand are taught to create harmony, to be facilitative and to communicate in a way that keeps everyone in the group feeling as if they are of equal importance.

These behaviours are so ingrained that we have no idea we are using them, and are not aware how differently men and women behave and perceive the world. But why should they matter?

They matter because they can make the difference between success and failure in the workplace. They matter because, for women there is not just a glass ceiling, but glass walls between themselves and their male colleagues, and very little real communication actually gets through those walls.

Let me give you an example. Because men are used to trying to get into the one-up position, it is very normal for them to ‘blow their own trumpet’. They will go out of their way to let their boss know about their successes, and to try and cover up their failures. Women, on the other hand, socialised to keep that playing field level, have been trained from the start not to boast, not to push themselves forward, to look selfish or greedy. So they do not speak to their boss about their successes, and will mention their failures if they think it will make another member of the group feel more comfortable.

How does this affect them at work? Well suppose you are the (male) team leader of my team. You expect people to tell you about their successes, and never to let their failures appear in public, because that is how all people operate in the workplace isn’t it? My colleague Peter does just that. I, on the other hand do not mention my successes (I expect you to notice them), but in a team meeting I do mention a mistake I made because someone else was worried about doing just that and I wanted to help them save face. I thought I was ‘sharing’ and making him feel comfortable, but in your eyes I was putting myself in a one down position.

When the time comes for you to choose your assistant team leader, which of us looks more competent? Peter, who’s successes you know and who (as far as you know) never makes mistakes, or me who’s successes you have never heard of (one down) but who’s failures you have heard about (two down).

So Peter gets the promotion that I may have deserved not because he is male, but because of patterns of behaviour which his boss, Peter himself, and I were totally unaware of.

Now I would like to emphasise here that this is by not a feminist rant. Men and women have a certain approach to the world that are not worse or better than each other, just different. What I am concerned with here is both men and women learn about these differences and make an effort to change their behaviour so that they are not behaving in ways that are incomprehensible to each other!

What are some of the obvious behaviours that act as clues to the differences between men and women? Well how about the most well known, the fact that men will not ask for directions. This is because, unconsciously, they think asking for directions will put them in a one-down position.

This has more serious repercussions in some areas. Apparantly men are more reluctanct to ask for information at work for the same reason. This clearly can be a bad thing when they are in life and death situations such as in the cockpit of an aircraft, or the operating theatre of a hospital, not just for the passengers or patients, but for women as well. Women have no hesitation in asking questions if they don't know something. For the male consultants and captains hearing these questions, the (again unconscious) assumption is that the women are less competent than the men.

Have you ever noticed that women apologise more than men? This is ritualistic, intended to keep harmony in the group, and is not an indication that the woman apologising thinks she is an idiot. But that is the way it comes over to her male colleagues!

Are you beginning to see how these patterns of communication could have an adverse effect on your promotions chances, and how the more 'male' the working environment is (armed forces and financial organisations are just two examples that spring to mind) the more devastating that effect can be.

Have you had any experiences of this kind of 'discrimination'? Whether you are a man or a woman I would love to hear your stories of how communication has tripped you up, interfeared with a relationship or spoiled your chances at work.